When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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