I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
