I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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