You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
