can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
