Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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