I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
