If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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