whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
