So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
