I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
