there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
