Jerry, you need to find god
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
