How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
