no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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