Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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