You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
