I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
