When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
