Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
