Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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