i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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