Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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