Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I know her cup size but not her name....
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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