wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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