11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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