from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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