all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
