i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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