Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
