Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
