life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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