I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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