saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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