if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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