I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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