dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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