so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize