evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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