So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
