He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
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