My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Panties = found
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
