I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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