there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
