Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
