What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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