The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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