I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
