Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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