Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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