Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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