the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
