I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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