I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
