She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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