so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
