1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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