also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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