He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
