Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
