checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize