in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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