I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
