The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
