you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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