I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
