i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
