12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
