Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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